Thoughts Deferred

What do I have if I don’t have You, Jesus? You are the lifter of my head.

Father, I’m amazed at what You do in my weakness.

Looking back over my life I don’t see a strong little girl, dreaming big dreams and wanting to take risks.

I see just a smaller than average girl, insecure, wanting to serve you but with such small vision of what that would entail.

I said weak yes after weak yes continually discovering that anything good in my life comes from You.

You have dreamed big dreams for me since before I was born. You’ve been the One that’s been faithful, taking my 10% and fulfilling the remaining 90%. I feel so undeserving of Your love, yet I can’t resist it.

The taste for more always lingers. A beautiful, almost haunting reality at times.

This relationship with You is beyond my dreams, beyond my understanding.

I’ve tried to be strong on my own and be the perfect girl that everyone expects me to be, but I’ve found that I just can’t do it anymore. My need for You is too great. Your jealousy for me is too strong. Your pursuit is too sweet.

On my own I only feel like I’m failing, striving to be something of worth, when in fact You’ve already called me worthy before I ever even turned my affections towards You.

You are the One who saw me in my weakness and brokenness and loved me. To this day I cannot comprehend how this is possible, but I don’t want a God I can figure out.

You keep pushing my boundaries; my tidy cardboard box has been ripped to shreds in the best of ways, unable to be put back together.

So here I stand.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been left alone in the cold, but as I look more closely into the night there You are Jesus, offering a warm coat and a strong hand. You say, “Are you ready?” You have a slight twinkle in Your eye and an adventurous smile on Your weathered face. I have a feeling You know where we’re going even though I can’t see into the cold, dark night. Your leathered face with defined lines assures me that You’ve weathered many a storm and are a capable leader. I take the coat and Your hand and warm assurance washes over my body and soul.

Your strength seems to consume me and power me on as we journey. Though the circumstances are unpredictable and the weather is harsh many days, somehow it doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.

All that seems a necessity is to be in Your presence, as close to You as I can possibly get.

Others don’t understand because they don’t always see You as we walk side by side. Good intentions hurt, words pierce my very soul and the gap between those I love most seems to grow wider as the months go by.

But as we keep walking You teach me more and more about love and people and most importantly about You. You remind me that You are the Reconciler, the Healer and the Pursuer of all hearts.

My anxiety and insecurity disintegrate as Your peace and rest wash over me. I can lay my defenses down and lean into You.

There is a tension in the air, and many choices are before me. You remind me that Your perfect love casts out all fear, and then your peace and joy fill me and seem to propel me forward into the unknown.

And You never leave my side.

Sometimes You don’t seem to say much, but then again a lot of times I’m distracted and not listening. But there You are, steadily with me. Your strong, gentle hand readily available.

As we journey forward, hope is in the air. Life seems fresh and new, a lot like springtime.

The taste is bittersweet which makes it all the more worthwhile. The joyful times are even sweeter after experiencing pain, and there are just some aches that never seem to go away.

So I’ll just stay close to you, Jesus.  I don’t have to have everything figured out.  I just have to know Whose I am.


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